#1 – Have A Baby

kiwi :: master at work :: reminder :: flash :: caught cheating

It’s been ages. Starting small but I think this one might be a series surrounding really awesome women who spend their lives talking about/thinking about/being really awesome women….

via Wednesday Write-in #23.

Incredibly, the “Baby arrives for jollies” reminder goes off on Laura’s phone approximately 10 seconds before Debbie’s water breaks. Laura spends the first few confused moments of labour finding the hand held video recorder before spending the next 60 seconds reciting the ‘two massive lesbians having a baby for the first time holy smokes checklist in no particular (conscious) order but potentially reflecting our deeper desires/psyches/neuroses” checklistinto it until Debbie just about cracks her skull open with the hardback copy of So You’re Going to be a Lesbian Mom. Laura then picks up the keys (left in the clay fruit bowl, item #3 in the checklist), bundles them both into the tiny Yaris (towels on the seat, item #6) and takes the long way to the hospital to avoid all the speed bumps to avoid any accidental births in the front seat (items #7, #9 and #’13)


Laura discovers the dual camera/video recorder functionality as the midwife first takes Debbie’s knickers off (comfortable, huge, seamless – one of a dozen pairs that she’s been wearing every day for the last two weeks – item #2) when a  flash suddenly goes off and a furious Laura (flaring nostrils, Amber Alert) and a weary midwife (Sister Creydon, call me Jackie) round on her.

She quickly flips back to recording. “Say hi to one of your mummies, baby!”

“Laura, I swear to God –

With a clatter, the recording cuts off.*

“Your mum wants to start over with her hellos, don’t you babe?”

Laura’s dreamy smile swims into focus, soft eyes shining in the dawn light. “Hi, you,” she starts, arm reaching up, out and past the remit of the screen. Laura’s hand meets hers and there’s a muffled kissing noise off screen.

“Hey, trouble.” Soft, very soft. Then, louder – “Okay, we’re at hour number one point five and Debs is a massive pussy – ow, hey! – and is on the good stuff already.” The camera spins around for a penetrating view of Laura’s left nostril. “Strong painkillers were number 4 on the list so I’m glad to see we’re making headway.”

“Hey, Laura.” The camera wheels right back to Debbie. More smiles – Laura’s hand appears to tuck some already sweaty strands behind her ear. “Remember that time we went to the Christmas fair and we got caught in the house of mirrors f-”

“Woah, hey -” Alarmed and over-the top loud, there’s some scuffling noises before the camera is dropped. “Shit.” 


6 thoughts on “#1 – Have A Baby

  1. I really like this! It made me laugh. I particularly like how you list the checklist items at the beginning. It also gives a clear sense of watching the action through the videocamera, which is nice.

  2. The list is great and funny. Is it Deborah and the midwife who round on Laura when the flash goes off? The pace is great and so is the intriguing ending.

  3. Pingback: Featured writer weeks 20, 21, 22 and 23 | CAKE.shortandsweet

  4. I think gleeful is the word that jumps out to me from this piece. I love how unserious it is, and how much you tell us about the characters here. Laura seems very childish myself (in a lovely way), I can’t wait to see how she handles motherhood!

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